God’s Grace and Forgiveness: He Didn’t Punish Me
A Distorted View of God’s Grace
Growing up Catholic, my “relationship” with Jesus was based on a very simple formula:
Do good, and you’ll be rewarded.
Do bad, and you’ll be punished.
It sounded reasonable at the time, but I never realized how deeply those words would damage my understanding of God’s grace and forgiveness- both as a child and later as an adult. That black-and-white thinking distorted my entire view of His character. I saw Him more as a judge than a loving Father.
When Suffering Struck: Wrestling with Guilt
In November 2022, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, https://www.lupus.org/resources/what-is-lupus)a chronic autoimmune disorder where the body’s immune system becomes overactive and begins attacking itself—including vital organs.
(Source: Lupus Foundation of America — trustworthy and health-focused.)
Since then, I’ve wrestled with guilt—asking myself what I did to deserve this. I replayed every decision, every stressor, every symptom leading up to my diagnosis. Deep down, that old mindset whispered:
“What did I do wrong?”
Even though I know my illness is linked to childhood trauma (something entirely out of my control), I couldn’t help but feel responsible. The punishment lens was still clouding my heart.
God’s Grace at the Altar
But God sees even the thoughts we don’t speak aloud.
This past Sunday, I went to the altar during service simply to thank Him for all He’s done in my life. As I stood there in worship, a woman came over and gently laid hands on me to pray. She said something that broke me wide open:
“You didn’t do anything to cause your sickness.”
I instantly began to weep. It was as if the Holy Spirit spoke straight to the shame I had buried inside. In that moment, a weight lifted off my shoulders. I realized:
God didn’t punish me.
That’s not who He is.
Understanding His Unconditional Love
Our salvation is not based on works.
His love for us is not transactional.
God’s love is unconditional—complete, absolute, and not subject to how well we perform or how many mistakes we’ve made Romans 8:38–39 (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+8%3A38-39&version=NIV).
(Source: Bible Gateway — a popular and credible site for scripture.)
Does God allow suffering? Yes. But not to punish us. He allows it to refine us, grow us, and deepen our faith. Christian, Your Pain Is Never Punishment(https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/christian-your-pain-is-never-punishment)explores this truth further.
A Word for the One Still Struggling
If you’re like me—still healing from a performance-based view of God—I want you to know you are not alone. And God is not angry at you for struggling with these thoughts. I pray that you encounter God’s grace and forgiveness in a personal and healing way.
He’s a Father who understands your confusion and welcomes your honesty.
So here’s what I encourage you to do today:
• Ask Him to reveal who He truly is.
• Ask Him to renew your mind.
• Ask Him to tear down every false belief you’ve held about His character.
And remember this:
You are not being punished. You are being purified.
Prayer for Renewal:
“Lord, I release the lie that I am being punished. I ask You to show me who You are. Heal the places in me that still see You as a harsh judge. Help me to rest in the truth that Your love is unconditional and remind me daily of Your grace and forgiveness. Strengthen my faith in the middle of this trial and use it for Your glory. Amen.”